


Just One Day

by theowletqueen (nerdqueenenterprise)



Series: Love Is Not Love Which Alters When It Alteration Finds [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Also Kissing with Consent, Body mutilation, Crying, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Heavy Angst, Hellhounds, Hurt No Comfort, Kind of Non-Con Kissing, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Some Physical Abuse, human!Cas, no happy ending, sad fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 18:14:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5880808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdqueenenterprise/pseuds/theowletqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Only after Castiel's death Dean finds out that the ex-angel loved him just as much as he loved Cas. He can't live without ever having been with Cas and will try everything in his power to get a second chance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just One Day

**Author's Note:**

> Many, many, many thanks to Nerdling_Queen who hates me for writing this but beta'ed anyways! <3 THANK YOU RYN!!

“I want Castiel to be alive.”

The crossroads demon tutted. “You Winchesters are always so ready to die for each other. Will this self-sacrificing streak of yours ever be satisfied?”

“Give me Castiel.”

“And what do I get in return?”

Dean swallowed thickly. “My soul,” he rasped.

“Aw. And what makes you think I want that?”

“You’re a demon, souls are what you _want_!”

“Oh _Dean_. Your soul is so tarnished you’re practically a demon already. Give it five years and those lovely eyes will be black again.”

Dean felt those words like a punch to the gut. He had always known he was worthless, but it didn’t mean that hearing it didn’t hurt.

The demon stepped closer and pressed a hand against his cheek, smiling, and brushed his thumb over Dean’s lips.

“However,” he whispered. “I like you, Dean Winchester. So I can offer you… hmm, let me think…”

 _Please give me at least a month,_ Dean prayed. One month to be with Cas, to tell him that he loves him and to say goodbye, to tell Sam that he’s sorry and that he was the best brother anyone could want.

“Twenty-four hours.”

Dean felt the ground drop away from under him and broke out in a cold sweat. This couldn’t be happening. He needed more time. His eyes were burning with tears and his throat seized up. Somehow he managed to speak: “I need a week.”  
The demon lifted both his hands in mock surrender and took a step backwards.

“That’s not happening.”

“Please! I can’t - I need a week. Please.”

“You have a minute to decide. After that, I won’t even show up anymore when you summon me. Tick-tock.”

Dean was drenched in cold sweat. He deserved to go to Hell for all he did. But he wanted - needed more than a day with Cas.

“Okay,” he finally breathed. “Okay.”

“Twenty-four hours in exchange for Castiel’s life, coming right up.”

The demon stepped closer again but Dean shrunk back.

“Come on, Dean. It’s just a kiss. That’s how deals are sealed. And let’s not pretend you’re not doing this for angel nookie.”

Dean’s throat was dry. In the few precious moments where he had actually allowed himself of a future for him and Cas, the angel had always been the first guy he kissed. And he had treated the idea of losing his kissing-a-guy v-card more preciously than losing his actual v-card. Because it was meant to be Cas all along, not some random crossroads demon.

He tightened his shoulders and swallowed again.

“Okay,” he said hoarsely. “Go ahead.”

“That’s not how kissing works, Dean. There’s two people involved.”

Dean squared his jaw and leaned forward a bit, his stomach churning in nausea.

The demon seized him by the jaw and full-on kissed Dean, working his lips apart with his tongue and ravaging Dean’s mouth.

It was sloppy and disgusting and tasted of sulfur and acid and was by far the worst kiss Dean had ever had, and he was signing his life away with it.

When the demon finally pulled away, Dean had a hard time not to throw up. He felt violated and defiled in the worst way possible.

Instead, he wiped his mouth and glared at the demon.

“I want Cas!”, he repeated.

“He will be here in half an hour. You have my word.” And with that, the demon vanished.

Dean suddenly, overwhelmingly, realized that he was on the clock. And that he only had 23 hours and 30 minutes with the love of his life. And that he’d have to call Sam and say goodbye.

 

“You have reached the mailbox of Sam Winchester. I can’t answer the phone at the moment, so please leave a message and I will come back to you. - click -”

Dean swore quietly.

“Sammy, hey. I’m just - I want to tell you how sorry I am. I made - I couldn’t - I just - fuck, Sam.” Dean’s voice broke and he felt tears running down his cheeks. “I _deserve_ to go to Hell, Sam, but I don’t want to do that to you. But I couldn’t - I couldn’t live without him, Sam. And I only got 24 hours.” He was openly sobbing now. “I’m so sorry, Sam, I’m so sorry. He’s all I ever wanted, Sam, please understand. And I love you, God, I love you so much, you are the best brother I could ever have wanted and I’m so sorry for yelling at you all the time and being such an ass and for being so stupid, Sam, I’m so sorry, I was never disappointed in you and I love you, Sam, I love you so much. I’m so scared, Sam, I wish you were here with me. I just need to see you again and I want to make up for all the chances where you could have had a better life but I destroyed it, I destroy everything and I deserve to die, Sam, I do, and I deserve to go to Hell, but I don’t want to, Sammy.”

 

He was pressed against the Impala when he left Sam the next message. It was the fifth now.

“Sammy, I’m so scared. I just want to see Cas again, and I want him to be happy and you to be happy but I’m so afraid. I’m so sorry, Sam, so sorry. I never meant any of the horrible things I told you over the years, I love you so much, I-“

“Dean! Dean, what did you _do_?!”

There was Cas in front of him, looking exactly how he had looked before that car had hit him. And he was livid.

Dean ended the call and stared up at Cas in wonder.

“Cas! You’re alive!”

The ex-angel grabbed him by the lapels of his jacket and brutally yanked him up. “What. Did. You. Do?!”, he growled.

“Cas, listen, you gotta understand, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t - I don’t want to die, I don’t, I promise, I just couldn’t live like this, I-“

Castiel’s fist hit Dean squarely on the jaw with a resounding crack and the hunter stumbled a few feet to his right before losing his balance and landing on the ground. His hand automatically shot up to where Cas had hit him.

“What the fuck was that for?” he blurted out.

Cas was at his side in a few swift steps and wrenched him vertical again, just to hit him again, this time holding him up by his collar, just so he could deliver blow after blow, every one of them precise and really painful. Five, ten, fifteen … Den eventually stopped counting.

When he finally let go of Dean, his face was swollen grotesquely with blood running from several wounds, his eyes and nose red from crying, his lip split in several places, one eye swollen nearly completely shut and with blood dripping from his nose.

Cas was still glaring, his mouth pressed into a tight line and his jaw set.

“Dean Winchester”, he snarled. “Did you make a demon deal for my life?!”

Dean looked helplessly at him. “Cas…”

“How much time do you have, Dean? How much?”

“Less … less than a day. Cas, I’m so sorry.”

Cas lifted his hand again and Dean flinched away, even when it just closed around his collar and the ex-angel began dragging him towards the car.

“Keys!”, he demanded.

Dean handed them over without any comment and got shoved into the passenger seat. He deserved this, deserved all of Cas’ anger, deserved being beat up by the ex-angel, deserved all of his fury but that didn’t make it any easier. His entire face was throbbing and he felt the physical effects of being so close to being dragged to Hell again, all the nausea, his heart beating way too fast, being drenched in cold sweat, fingers unsteady and his vision swimming and morphing before his eyes.

Cas reversed with squealing tires and sped away from the crossroads, hitting the interstate in no time and floored the gas pedal.

“Where are we going?”, Dean asked, his voice smaller than he would have liked.

The ex-angel threw him a sideways glance, jaw still set tight.

“To the bunker.”

Dean wanted to say something, anything, but as soon as he opened his mouth, Cas snapped, “Dean, I don’t think you understand how angry I am at you at the moment and I don’t want to talk to you.”

The hunter swallowed drily and pressed his lips together. What had he even been thinking about? As if Cas would still love him after he sold his soul. As if Cas could ever love someone as fucked up as Dean. And had he seriously expected that Cas would greet him with open arms and soft kisses and declarations of love?

 

They drove forever through the darkness. The longer the tense silence lasted, the more effort Dean had to put into keeping his tears at bay.

From where he was sitting, he could see his remaining lifetime ticking away, minute for minute, hour for hour.

They stopped once for gas and Cas didn’t even go inside to pay, just floored the gas again and kept going.

 

Eventually, Dean fell asleep, mentally and emotionally exhausted from Cas’ cold fury, his refusal to speak with Dean, how he wasn’t even going to get to kiss Cas, much less anything else, how he had wasted every chance at happiness the universe had ever granted him for whatever reason. And now he was going to die without ever having told Castiel how he felt, without ever having kissed him, just driving along a stretch of highway he had probably been on before, and Cas wouldn’t even look at him.

 

He woke up abruptly as Cas hit the shoulder on the highway and slammed down on the brakes.

“Fuck!” he swore, killing the engine and getting out.

Dean glanced over to the clock on the dashboard and saw with a sudden lurch of panic that he had only about ten minutes left.

Right on queue, the howl of Hellhounds reached his ears. He blindly grasped for the door handle and stumbled out of the car and over to Cas.

“Cas. Cas, look at me!”, he begged, tugging at his sleeve.

Cas grabbed him by his collar again, but instead of fury there was just panic in Cas’ eyes.

“Dean, Dean, Dean, please, I-“

He was cut off by another car that shot onto the gravel, narrowly missing the Impala. Cas’ golden Continental. _Sam_. His brother practically bolted from the car and wrapped Dean in his arms, sobbing into his shoulder.

Cas pressed himself against Dean’s shoulder, hugging both him and Sam and squashing his face against Dean’s neck.

Dean dug his fingers into whatever fabric he could grasp, and finally he couldn’t keep himself in check anymore and began crying.

The Hellhounds were howling again, this time closer, and Dean could nearly physically feel them breathing down his neck. He knew he didn’t have long anymore.

He swallowed and straightened up, pushing both Sam and Cas away from him. He couldn't leave them without saying goodbye properly. 

“Sam, you’re my brother and I love you to the end of the world. I don’t want to do this to you, I don’t, and I’m so sorry. Please - please”, he stopped, trying to breathe through his sobbing. “Please don’t try and bust me out. Find a girl, get out of the life if it makes you happy, but please just do whatever makes you happy, Sam, that’s what I want. And Cas-“ Dean turned towards him. “Cas, fuck, I don’t want to lay this on you, but I love you. I’ve loved you since forever and I never, I could never say anything because I’m so damaged and so afraid, but I love you.”

Cas’ eyes went wide, and he opened his mouth to say something, but in that moment the Hellhounds howled again and the first scratches of invisible paws appeared a few meters away from them. Dean felt himself panicking as he saw the big dogs again. There were more than last time, and they were snarling and growling at him, their paws clawing at the ground.

He had a minute left, maybe.

Dean turned around to face the only two people he had in life. Sam’s lips were shivering and tears were streaming over his face, but Castiel looked oddly determined.

Suddenly, the ex-angel lurched forward, grabbed Dean by the collar once again and hauled him close.

“I love you too, Dean Winchester.”, he whispered hastily. “I love you, I have always loved you, I will always love you and I _will_ find a way to bring you back, Dean, I promise, I promise. I love all of you, every single part, I could never hate you, Dean, I couldn’t.” He sobbed. “And I’m so sorry for hitting you and for screaming at you, Dean, I love you so much.”

Dean’s throat seized up and instead of replying, he just mashed their mouths together clumsily, needing to taste Cas at least one time in his life. And Castiel responded eagerly, holding Dean close and kissing back with so much vigor as though he wanted to kiss the life out of him instead of giving him over to the Hounds.

Cas’ stubble scratched a bit more than Dean expected, his body was firmer and seemed more toned than he had expected but he couldn’t explore enough, couldn’t find out how the inside of Cas’ mouth would taste or how soft his hair was or how smooth his skin or how his fingers would feel on Dean’s body because nearly immediately after their lips met, Dean felt his time run out. It was over.

He gently pushed Castiel away, worked his fingers open and away from his collar and finally let them go.

“I love you,” he said again, as steadily as he could, trying to commit Cas’ face to memory so he had something to hold onto in Hell.

The first Hound slammed into him from behind, knocking him over, and immediately began tearing Dean apart. Cas stumbled back a step and their eyes met again, both pairs wide with panic and pain. Then all the Hellhounds descended on Dean immediately and obscured Cas from his view.

 

And he howled in pain. They tore at his legs, his stomach, his arms, his throat, his chest, their paws clawing through the rest of him. One tore away the flesh of his arm, the next broke his ribs apart and dove for his heart with sharp teeth, salivating all over Dean’s open ribcage, and for a single moment he could see his own heart pumping and spurting blood everywhere, and then that was gone too and for a second his world was only darkness without pain.

Then he smelled the familiar stench of decaying flesh and sulfur again, and his nerves were _screaming_ and agony was crashing in on him, _so much pain,_ more than he’d ever felt before.

He screamed until he couldn’t scream anymore, until his voice was hoarse and gravelly; and then he started begging.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaah, I'm so sorry~


End file.
